Lemon, you're gonna work this thing like a Chinese gymnast. Wear something tight, force a smile and lie about your age. -- Jack

LIZ: I wanna take that internet photo of her nipple slip and have it made into a jigsaw puzzle. CERIE: Aww, she'll love that!

I need to go back in time! Why did I sell my DeLorean to Mr. T.? --- Tracy

TRACY: The Cosby Show lied to me. DR. SPACEMAN: I don’t think there’s a box for that on the form. What about Cheers lied to me?

I'll do it if you insist, sir. But I'm gonna be grumpy...until the end of this sentence. --- Kenneth

He knows you're special. Like a black stripper with blue eyes. --- Tracy

I'm not gonna be pushed aside and forgotten. Like that time at my sister's funeral. --- Jenna

You don't think I've been brought in on a million auditions just to make Kim Cattrall seem grounded and human? --- Jenna

TRACY: Let's go shopping! To the Batmobile! GRIZZ: Don't worry. He's just leasing it.

Love is wearing makeup to bed. And going downstairs to the Burger King to poop. And hiding alcohol in perfume bottles. - Jenna

Science was my most favorite subject. Especially the Old Testament. -- Kenneth

JACK: The audience doesn’t want elitist, East coast, alternative, intellectual, left-winged... LIZ: Just say Jewish, this is taking forever

OMG, Liz. Look at you & me & our biological clocks. You’re going baby crazy & I keep getting turned on by car accidents. -- Jenna

FRANK: Shut up, Lutz. Your surgery was for an undescended testicle.
LUTZ: Wrong again. It was for TWO undescended testicles!

PAUL: Ur Mom's out shopping.
JACK: I know. My credit card called 2 confirm my purchase of the book "Intercourse After Hip Surgery."

I don't need a birthday, 'cause I buy myself all the presents I need. And because of my drinking, they're often a surprise. - Tracy

JACK: Alfredo, 2pm? LIZ: I'm not dressed for that. JACK: You're dressed for Burger King. Should we make it Burger King?

Jack: That's what I'm talking about, empathy. It's about as useless as the Winter Olympics ... This February on NBC

Kenneth: At least he died doing what he loved most: blogging on the Huffington Post.

Kenneth: When the Parcells first came to America, they lived in a town called Sexcriminalboat.

Kenneth: Mr. Donaghy, I wasn't sure if you were going to participate in this year's pumpkin carving contest or like last year I should go jump up my own ass.

Liz: I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.
Jack: How surprising that your world view is food-based.

Liz: [on Green Week] Oh brother. Are they really going to do something this year or just put that stupid green peacock in the corner of the screen?

Pete: [to Liz] OK, smile ... with your mouth ... wave ... like a human being!

ack: This isn't the auto industry, Pete. The auto industry was run by a bunch of out of touch white guys selling consumers a product they didn't want. We're GE dammit, and we're going to make a giant, flimsy microwave.

Devon: After the election, I could have had an ambassadorship to any country I wanted, even the gayest country. Ireland.

Devon: I knew I had to align myself with something more powerful than GE, and since American Idol's not on 'til January that left the United States government.

Jack: I have a betting system based on horse penis size.

 

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