Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman. And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition.

 

Joey: You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas

 

Phoebe: There was a crooked man, who had a crooked smile, who lived in a shoe, for a... while..

 

[Reading Rachel's romance novel.]
Monica: 'Throbbing pens? Don't wanna be around when he writes with those.

 

Chandler: [entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo] All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men.

 

Chandler: I can't say hump or screw in front of the b-a-b-y... I just spelled the wrong words didn't I?

 

Rachel: Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.

Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone!

Rachel: Okay, you win.

 

Amy: Well, I’m a decorator?!?

Rachel: Oh you’ve furnished dad’s office and now you’re a decorator? Well, yesterday I went to the zoo and now I’m a koala-bear.

 

Chandler: Well, if I were a guy...
[Everyone stares at him.]
Chandler: Wait, did I just say "If I were a guy"?

 

Ross: Hypothetically speaking...
Joey: Wait. You lost me.

 

Gene: You put this in your coffee.
Joey: A spoon! Your hands! Your face!
Gene: It's white.
Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
Gene: It's heavier than milk.
Joey: A rock! A dog! The earth!
Gene: Pass!

 

Rachel: Are you saying that women can't do it?
Joey: Women can do it; you can't.
Rachel: Monica, will you please tell Joey that he's a pig?
Monica: [to Joey] You're a pig. [to Rachel] You can't do it.
Rachel: Well, I found the hardware store by myself!
Joey: The hardware store's just down the street.
Rachel: [pause] There's a hardware store down the street?

 

Rachel: Is the window open? Because if the window's open, a bird could fly in there and...
Ross: Oh my God, you know what, I think you're right! I think, you know what, listen, listen... a pigeon... no, no, wait, an eagle flew in, landed on the stove, and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid! The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression, and grabs the baby in it's talon! Meanwhile, the faucet fillsthe apartment with water! Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death-grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!
Rachel: Boy are you gonna be sorry if that's true..

 

Rachel: Oh no! What if she jumps out of the crib!
Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped.
Rachel: Oh my God! I left the water running!
Ross: Rachel, relax. You did not leave the faucet running.
Rachel: Did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996!

 

Trudie Styler: Look, I've just pressed a button triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here.
Phoebe: The Police, here? A reunion?

 

Rachel: Listen, y’know what, sir? For the last time, I don’t care what the computer says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!
Joey: [arriving] Hey!
Phoebe: Oh! Joey, were you in our room last night?
Joey: No. [Phoebe gives the bill to Joey. Joey turns to the concierge.] I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!

 

Ross: You're fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.
Rachel: Well, in high school, that added up to head cheerleader.

 

Rachel: Come on, Rosita. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Us chicas gotta stick together.
[She attempts to move "Rosita" and ends up breaking the back off.]
Rachel: You bitch.

 

Phoebe: Neslay Toulouse.
Monica: Nestle Toll House?
Phoebe: You Americans always butcher the French language.

 

Elizabeth: What's wrong?
Ross: I'm sorry, I was just thinking about your father.
Elizabeth: Okay... well whatever works for you.

 

Ross: Alright, a joke, lighten the mood. Two guys walk into a bar, and one of them is Irish.
Paul: I'm Irish.
Ross (hesitantly): ...And the Irish guy wins the joke.