Phoebe: [Right after playing a song in the coffee shop] If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.
Rachel: Wha... married?
Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married!
Rachel: What? Because that's your answer to everything?
Ross: Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
Ross: Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and *won*!
Chandler: Ross came fourth and cried!
Ross: What are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Why, do you have a lecture?
Chandler: Free as a bird, what's up?
Rachel: You know, Ben, I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben: But you're not anymore. Because you were on a break.
Chandler: You can't come in.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because, uh, Ross is naked.
Chandler: Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked.
Ross: Why does *anyone* have to be naked?
Joey: And you call yourself an accountant?
[doing a crossword puzzle]
Ross: Heating device.
Ross: Five letters.
Janice: [to Chandler] Hello Funny Valentine.
Chandler: Hello, Just Janice.
Chandler: You rent out these tuxes to celebrities for award shows.
Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people screaming "Wow. You look fabulous." at them?
Rachel: Honey, could I recommend watching a little bit more "ESPN" and a little less "E."?
Phoebe: [explaining to Mike's parents and friends her song] And then it goes back to the chorus, "Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault" and that's it.
Phoebe: I know you didn't ask but no-one had spoken for fourteen minutes.
[Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their baby]
Ross: OK, how about Ruth?
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old woman?
Monica: Are you sure you peed on the stick right?
Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?
Rachel: How do we end up with these jerks? We're good people.
Monica: Maybe we're like some kind of magnets.
Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.
Monica: There's more beer right?
Phoebe: My mom used to stick her head in the oven. Actually she only did it the once, but it was pretty weird.
Monica: Look, Joey feels really bad for what happened. He thinks you hate him. He wants to move to Vermont.
Ross: I don't hate him. It's just... You know what, I'll go talk to him. It's not his fault.
Monica: Thank you. He already asked me where he could exchange his dollars for Vermont money.
Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks.
Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I.
Joey: Really? Great.
Chandler: [to Ross] Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself.
Rachel: I'm not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he's divorced.
Monica: No, you go after them five minutes before they get married...
Phoebe: A plate of brownies once told me a Limerick.
Chandler: Let me ask you, Phoebe: were these "funny brownies"?
Phoebe: Not particularly. Although I do think they had pot in them.
Rachel: [upset] All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little.
Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years-old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to - had to cut a big chunk of my hair.
[she starts crying]
Rachel: And it was uneven for weeks.
Ross: [sarcastically] And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie.
Rachel: Ok, fine. You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there.
Rachel: And I was thinking Claire Danes.
[Telling Rachel how to be sexy]
Joey: There was this movie, "Footloose".
Joey: Where this plumber chick...
Chandler: She was a welder
Joey: What, were you like *in* the movie?
Rachel: Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed at 12 interviews today
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat!
Rachel: Well you would be too if you got new boots 50% off
Chandler: Oh how well you know me
Phoebe: [Pulls out Monica's old bathing suit] Hey Monica what's this?
Monica: Oh, that's my old bathing suit from high school... I was bigger then...
Chandler: Really... I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticutt when it rained...
Phoebe: Today is Mike and my one year anniversary.
Rachel: Oh! What's it the anniversary of? Your first date? Your first kiss? The first time you had sex?
Rachel: Well, I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here after all.
Phoebe: No, just another regular flying dwarf.
Phoebe: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.'
Chandler: What are you supporting?
Phoebe: Duh!! Christmas!
Rachel: Oh! I got an interview! I got an interview!
Monica: You're kidding! Where? Where?
Rachel: Sak's... Fifth... Avenue.
Monica: Oh, Rachel!
Phoebe: Oh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home.
Ross: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?
Chandler: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
Chandler: Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute?
Monica: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox.
Salesman: Now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber?
Joey: Spock's birth control.